Sometimes when you’re bi-polar, you’re like the white hot, shining sun. You give light and warmth to every planet that graces you with its orbit. You outshine all around you without comparison and there is never any question that you are the natural leader that the universe should cling to. The problem is that sometimes you are also the black hole, sucking every bit of energy and productivity from life as everyone around you flees, desperate to evade the vacuum of increasing nothingness.
The most frustrating part is that it takes exactly the same amount of effort and expertise to be both of these things. Everyone wants to shine like the sun, but when you know that it will eventually implode, there’s a lot of pressure in accepting admiration, respect and attention associated with being on top. You know that it can’t last and you will burn out, leaving all those accolades to fade into stardust and eventually disappear completely. It is frustrating to put forth all of your effort and talent and still be a negative factor in the universe, knowing that just a short time ago you yielded such exemplary results.
In the end being the black hole is so shameful and disgraceful that you carry around an inadequate sense of self to accommodate that time. It is difficult to accept praise and admiration when you know it is only to be short-lived. It is impossible to expect yourself to continue at the white hot pace of excellence you get when you’re really “on it”. It is equally impossible to merely settle somewhere in the middle and become a little planet, happily circling the sun with its daily moderation. Besides, wouldn’t being a simple planet be boring?
Finally, you must find and take the meds that squeeze you into the role of planet, knowing that you have the potential for much more, but accepting the opportunity cost of curbing your abilities. It is no more simple a task to do this than to alternate between extremes, but it is healthier, so you do it and mourn for the time you were the sun.